The Kirstie - Meal #1

PISS OFF I'M DIETING

As most of us know, Kirstie Alley rose to fame as an actress on the hit TV show Cheers. Nowadays she is better known as a walking planet and constant dieter. Today, Crosschips brings you the first in a series of meals from Kirstie Alley, which we will call The Kirstie.

Since Kirstie is too washed up to actually earn a living in the world of acting she has turned to promoting different diets. That brings up one problem: you actually have to lose weight to be a successful promoter of gimmicky diets. Kirstie doesn’t seem to be able to stop piling cake into her, um, hole, so her career as a diet marketer is in jeopardy.

We here at Crosschips are onto her secret, however. Kirstie is bamboozling thousands of soccer moms across our great nation by giving them the illusion that she is actually losing weight. How does she do it? Well, here are the steps:

1. Pile cake into your cakehole until you put on about 85.
2. Retroactively point out that you HAD lost 85 pounds on such and such diet but put it back on.
3. Claim you are going back on said diet.

Now, since step one of The Kirstie involves cranking up your calorie intake to pack on the pounds we’ll need give you some direction for what you can eat.

Another aspect to The Kirstie is keeping the diet illusion intact. You can’t risk being seen publicly taking down a large pizza and 60 ounces of Coca-Cola, so each meal will involve some effort on your part to keep your followers believing.

We bring you, Meal #1:

Go to some healthy, hippy, trendy and overpriced restaurant and get yourself a really good salad. Preferably with fruits, nuts and all that good nutritional stuff. Inhale that sissy salad and make sure your publicist snaps a photo of you. Look at me making great food choices!

Once you get back home throw that shit up. Seriously. That’s just taking up room in your gut right now, get it out of there. After purging yourself of those empty calories you’ll want to down a 2-liter of Coke or Pepsi to settle your stomach down, but for God’s sake don’t make it Diet! For added calories feel free to mix in some Rum with that Cola.

Now that your stomach is settled we can get on to your dinner. Here’s what to eat:

• A whole loaf of Garlic Bread for an appetizer
• A stick of slightly melted butter to coat the bread with (Don’t forget lots of salt!)
• Boil 2 whole packages of Ravioli Pasta and stuff them with butter
• Add pasta sauce. And more butter.
• Also, butter.
  
• As a side, have 2 whole loaded baked potatoes (get that butter and salt on there too!!)
• Why not throw some candy on those potatoes? Come ooooooooon.
• Vegetables? HELL NO, that’s just taking up precious room in your guttiwuts.
• Top that off with a couple of cartons of Ben & Jerry’s

Well there you have it, a recipe for success. Stayed tuned for more diet tips from The Kirstie.

LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING