Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Triple Double

After watching LeBron Jame$ get a triple double in basically every game and still lose the series to Orlando I figured we could transfer the same concept of the Triple Double to Crosschips... Sure, LeBron scores 30+ points per game, has 10 rebounds & 10 assists, but look at him now, at home Ca-rying like the big loser he is. With a Crosschips triple double, we all win.

Below are items we can use in order to complete the Crosschips Trip Dub. Eat 10+ of two of the following items and one of the below drinks for your best time.
*Chicken Legs

*Hot Dogs (Mrs. Clinton's fave)
*Fried Potato Skins with bacon
*Super Pretzels

*White Castle sliders
*Tacos (Chicken and or Beef)
*Pizza Slices
*Dinner Rolls with butter
*Corn On the Cob (with salt & butter, lots of butter.)
*Chicken Tenders
*Watermelon pieces
*Cup of soup

*Zima XXX


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Giant Burger + Utensils ≠ CROSSCHIPS!

"The Burger"

When it comes to Crosschips, there isn't a whole lot of rules that need to be followed. We all know you must always stretch, buy Pepto Bismo in bulk, keep plenty of toilet paper and, of course, always finish your work out/bender. But there are of course unwritten rules, like EAT CHEESEBURGER LIKE MAN, NOT BABY!

I appreciate the dedication of the young lady in the photograph and I know it may be a 15 to 20 pound cheeseburger, but put down the utensils and get to work on that thing like the big boy below. This guy is a true believer in CROSSCHIPS!

Note the form, tenacity and freakish ability this guy has to open his jaw like a boa constrictor.(graphic, kind of, but SFW) This guy opened up his own Crosschips location on 28th street in Grand Rapids, MI. A great location for crosschips due to the hundreds of eateries and fast food locations.

Your Crosschips for Friday:

Make a giant cheeseburger. The patty must reach front to back on your grill. Minimum, 1ft diameter. To form one giant bun, either know someone who works at a bakery, connect multiple buns together with melted cheese or do as I have and will, order 2 large cheese pizza's and use one as the top bun, the other as the bottom. Simple as that.

To Drink: Take your weight, add the weight of your Crosschips burger and then divide by 12. This is the number of beers you need to consume in 3 hours.

I hope you all enjoy your burgers! Have a good weekend and don't forget to stay full and inactive!

The Kirstie - Meal #1


As most of us know, Kirstie Alley rose to fame as an actress on the hit TV show Cheers. Nowadays she is better known as a walking planet and constant dieter. Today, Crosschips brings you the first in a series of meals from Kirstie Alley, which we will call The Kirstie.

Since Kirstie is too washed up to actually earn a living in the world of acting she has turned to promoting different diets. That brings up one problem: you actually have to lose weight to be a successful promoter of gimmicky diets. Kirstie doesn’t seem to be able to stop piling cake into her, um, hole, so her career as a diet marketer is in jeopardy.

We here at Crosschips are onto her secret, however. Kirstie is bamboozling thousands of soccer moms across our great nation by giving them the illusion that she is actually losing weight. How does she do it? Well, here are the steps:

  1. Pile cake into your cakehole until you put on about 85.
  2. Retroactively point out that you HAD lost 85 pounds on such and such diet but put it back on.
  3. Claim you are going back on said diet.

Now, since step one of The Kirstie involves cranking up your calorie intake to pack on the pounds we’ll need give you some direction for what you can eat.

Another aspect to The Kirstie is keeping the diet illusion intact. You can’t risk being seen publicly taking down a large pizza and 60 ounces of Coca-Cola, so each meal will involve some effort on your part to keep your followers believing.

We bring you, Meal #1:

Go to some healthy, hippy, trendy and overpriced restaurant and get yourself a really good salad. Preferably with fruits, nuts and all that good nutritional stuff. Inhale that sissy salad and make sure your publicist snaps a photo of you. Look at me making great food choices!

Once you get back home throw that shit up. Seriously. That’s just taking up room in your gut right now, get it out of there. After purging yourself of those empty calories you’ll want to down a 2-liter of Coke or Pepsi to settle your stomach down, but for God’s sake don’t make it Diet! For added calories feel free to mix in some Rum with that Cola.

Now that your stomach is settled we can get on to your dinner. Here’s what to eat:

  • A whole loaf of Garlic Bread for an appetizer
  • A stick of slightly melted butter to coat the bread with (Don’t forget lots of salt!)
  • Boil 2 whole packages of Ravioli Pasta and stuff them with butter
  • Add pasta sauce. And more butter.
  • Also, butter.
  • As a side, have 2 whole loaded baked potatoes (get that butter and salt on there too!!)
  • Why not throw some candy on those potatoes? Come ooooooooon.
  • Vegetables? HELL NO, that’s just taking up precious room in your guttiwuts.
  • Top that off with a couple of cartons of Ben & Jerry’s

Well there you have it, a recipe for success. Stayed tuned for more diet tips from The Kirstie.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

LET'S GO RED WINGS!!! (What your wings are eating to stay up on their Crosschips!)

"Bring it on Cindy Crosby..."

I know you have all asked yourself, "well sweet sassy molassy, how do those hockey players get so much energy?”

We have all wondered how these beardy's can skate around aimlessly for 60 minutes or more , score upwards of 4 goals and sustain their strength and agility day in and day out. I’ve watched every game during the playoffs, in High Def and have yet to see anyone on the bench eating a 2lb. Hungry Man meal as I would. So when do they do eat and are they members of “Crosschips”?

You bet your balls they are. By using the interwebs, I was able to obtain some photographic evidence of how our 2008 Stanly Cup Champs partake in “Crosschips”. It’s done before the games, during commercial breaks & after they beat the shiznit out of their opponent.

Notice Darren Helm here, chatting it up on the phone with probably one of the many celebrity hockey skanks while he holds his 3 foot chub sub ever so tightly before he chows down.

If you believe this photo to be photo shopped you can go straight to the 5th ring. How do you think the Red Wings are able to keep such superb talent with the low salary cap of the NHL? It’s because they have 20 pound, 3 foot subs and other awesome huge shit as you will notice below.

Drapes, seen here with a 100 lb turkey after they won the Stanley Cup last year. It’s got some carrots and stuffing, but you know Ilitch fed that thing Hot & Ready’s for the past year so it’s gonna be a BEAST.

Speaking of Pizza, below you can see one of my favorite players, Nick Lindstorm, wait. Nick-las Lids-t-rom? You know, the team Captain? Yeah, that guy. Here he is ready to hand out a ton of kick ass pizza to all his teammates as an appetizer to what is probably more pizza or giant bowls of Chex Mix (60% less fat, then potato CHIPS, damn).

Oh and let’s not think the team is focused on hockey during the whole entire game. See below, these quotes spoken were verified by the players in the photo below.

Even hot chicks rock the Crosschips…

For Crosschips: find yourself an oversized food item and eat it for your best time.


Phew! To The EXTREME!!! !@#$%@$%^!

Alright, just got done crunching the numbers and I've got a new eating routine:

Its called Gravity Gulp Swing Cake.

First off, you need to get a pair of those boots that let you swing from the ceiling. Then you get up there on that ceiling. Now, have a friend pull you as far in one direction as they can away from the center hanging position. Have them force a 3' hose down your throat and bong you up 3 gallons of Mountain Dew so that your chest glows blue! You're going to need all that energy for the next part.

Place a Four Tier Bacon-Chocolate-Strawberry Ice cream Wedding Cake (REMOVE the plastic couple from the top!) on the floor directly underneath where your feet are attached to the ceiling. Have your friend remove the bonging tube and allow you to drop into a pendulum swing. Put your hand up (down) and start grabbing at that cake! The Dew's caffeine and Vitamin B-osis should be at work causing every muscle to spam, really impeding your ability to grab cake and stuff face!


Breakfast of Champs

"The Phelps"

Food: Three sandwiches (on Texas toast) of fried eggs, cheese, bacon, ham, fried onions, mayonnaise, an omelet, a bowl of grits, six slices of French toast with powdered sugar, and six chocolate-chip pancakes covered in one whole sick of butter & one bottle of syrup.

Beverage: One whole gallon of chocolate milk or 4 slim fasts.
Double all items if you hit the bong like our beloved gold medalist. “Allegedly”.

Lunch: Eat 1 pound of food, 5 sets. 3 minute breaks in-between pounds.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

You got a gut to fill buddy


Dinner: Eat one whole Pizza, minimum size, 12 inches. that's what she said. No less than 3 toppings, no veggies.

Beverage: 6 to 12 beers, 3 beers per hour minimum. If you choose Michelob Ultra you can suck one.

Desert: An entire pound cake.

No resting.